Lmao! Bush rat (Short Comic Story)

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If I had learnt anything in this Corona period, it’s to always confirm things to be sure it’s what you think it is.

With tears in my eye I’m sharing you this experience.

When the Corona struck at first and states were placed on lock down, my own state ‘Oyo State’ governor had mercy on us and placed us on curfew from 6A.M to 7P.M but with the curfew it was like we’re in lockdown, most shops closed down and only few were left standing and my workplace was lucky to be among the one not shut down.

Getting a pay job was like looking looking for a virgin Unilag, it’s impossible. So everyone adhere to their job not wanting to lose the one they got.

I was also adhering to my job but my boss had a sister, her name is Precious. Precious back was enormous and would serve easily as table for a bottle of star and two plates of pepper soup.

I don’t use to look at it oo but I just somehow know that it’s big.

That was how one day my eye mistakenly look at it and I saw a mosquito on it, the mosquito was trying to pass through the jeans she was wearing to bite her and as a good samaritan ayam, I decided to come to her rescue and kill the mosquito, but as if it was planned, the mosquito escaped and my hand landed only on her yanch. It was soft sha but the kind slap she landed on my face almost reset my future .

My Oga that was sleeping heard the sound of the slap from where he was sleeping, he startling stood up and started running shouting ” Pelumi lock the shop, thieves are around ”

People had to chase after him to tell him that it was a slap not a G0n sound, the idiot man didn’t even wear slippers, later he’ll be forming that he fought world war II alongside Michael Jackson and Tu pac.

Oga asked us to narrate what happened and the girl na lie ontop my head that I pressed her yanch, yanch that my hand only flash by it and hit lightly, yanch that’s not even soft very well.

Those ingrates sacked me instead of thanking me, months that has almost end, we’re already on the 5th on that month and he cannot even give me half salary. Precious and Oga, my God will take vengeance for me.

I started looking for job to no avail, me that have given all the salary I collected the month that end to my girlfriend who travelled to Lagos and Corona yaf hooked her in that Lagos.

After searching job for a whole three days, I kukuma gave up.
I had three hundred naira remaining with me, I used it to buy a congo of garri with the plan to drink it till corona finally find its way back to Wuhan.
I’ve took the garri home before I remembered that I didn’t buy sugar or groundnut, I don’t know how to drink garri without anything.

I was inside my room thinking what I could do to get something to drink the garri but could think of nothing.
I suddenly felt pressed, I stood up and went outside to urinate. I was urinating inside the gutter that was inside our compound when I suddenly saw a bush rat, a big one cat walking in front of me.

I wiped my eye to be sure I wasn’t hallucinating because of hunger but the rat was there and the idiot wasn’t running. It was ratwalking like it was competing for beauty pageant.

I swiftly picked the stick closer to me,ran to meet it and a hit on its head did the job.

Even tho I was a sinner, I didn’t know god love me, I knelt down beside the bush rat and started singing Ekwueme.
After I was done singing, I quickly looked for three stone to make tripod stand, searched for sticks to make fire and in a second the aroma of the roasted bush rat had filled the atmosphere.

” today food don done oo ” Lekan said rubbing his hands together as he saw me.

” Is like tetanus is inside your brain ,the only thing you’ll taste inside this rat is nothing ” I swiftly retorted.

” haba, we’re friend na ” he muttered.

” that was before you came out of your room, the moment you stepped out of your room because of the aroma of this thing, that was the time our friendship ended ” I said to him as I turned my rat so that the fire could consume the hair on its other side.

” eat alone and die alone ” Lekan mumbled as he returned to his room.

” Longer throat, it’s eat alone and dine alone and I’ll even eat it and die alone, e no consyn you ” I screamed at him laughing, loving the disappointment on his face.

Some of my neighbours also came out to beg but emi ika, I declined everyone. The rat that I was planning to butcher into fifteen parts, one for each day for my garri.
After I was done weaving its hair from its body with the help of the fire, I started with its dissection and used the small vegetable oil I had to fry it.

After I was done frying it, I took it into my room. I poured two cups of garri inside a small bowl.
I used the two laps of the bush rat to drink the garri. I even ate another part before I slept and had a pleasant dream.
I didn’t wake up the next day till it was few minutes past ten when nepa brought light.

Without doing anything, I poured myself garri and drank it with three meats .
I went outside to urinate and returned inside to switch on my TV .
As I was watching film I didn’t know how I ate all the remaining meats.
Meats that was supposed to serve me for fifteen days.
So it’s hunger that will later kill me not corona

I was still battling with the bone of the last meat I ate when I heard mama Ngozi’s voice. Mama Ngozi doesn’t need microphone to address ten thousand people because of how loud her voice was, sometimes I always think maybe she mistakenly swallowed a speaker meant for party when she was young.

” baba kill and clear wetin happen na ” she asked who she was with.
Baba kill and clear was a famous rat poison seller.
On hearing her called the name ‘ kill and clear ” I suddenly got interested in their conversation as I switched my TV off.

” the rat poison no work na and I used it as you instructed yesterday morning ” mama Ngozi lamented.

” are you sure you used it as I instructed ” baba kill and clear asked her.

” yes na, I did but I didn’t see any rat die in this compound since yesterday as you instructed ” mama Ngozi replied her.

I didn’t know why but I suddenly started sweating profusely inside my room as the bone in my hand fell down .

” it shouldn’t be so, any rat that eat that poison will increase to like five times its size and wouldn’t be able to walk or run very well, it will die while walking around because it won’t be able to settle down ” baba kill and clear explicated.

” Jesus ” I exclaimed as I heard the explanation. It was the perfect description of the brat I killed.

Don’t tell me I ate a rat that consumed rat poison .

Father lord, no be like this we plan say I go return to you na.
I started feeling the rat running inside my stomach
I remembered Lekan’s word ” eat alone and die alone ”

Father lord just save me this time and I promised not to peep on Mary again when she’s bathing.
I’ll even confess to aunty corper that I was the one that kill her hen that I was helping her to look for the other day.
Just this once and I’ll never eat bush rat again
The end.

Title bush rat
©️ Horluwa~P1 2020
Drafted from one of my comic story “dozen’s crew house”
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Happy Sunday